TL;DR: This is the third installment in a series of blog posts outlining the attributes of the Four Characters from Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor's book, Whole Brain Living. Below, I discuss my "Left-Brain Emotional" Character Two. If you have no idea what I'm talking about here, go back and read the two previous posts on this blog.
Here's a quick reference to the characteristics of the Four Characters: https://www.sloww.co/whole-brain-living/#whole-brain-living-four-characters
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CHARACTER TWO: “BB”
I named my Character Two, Bertha Big or BB for short. This seemed like a perfect name for this character because it was a teasing name my brother used to call me to poke fun at my weight when we were growing up. I affectionately call her by the nickname of my choosing now to soften the edges of that remembered pain.
BB is the wounded child. She is the dark, unsavory, and most deeply pained part of my unconscious “lower” left brain. At her worst, she is emotionally reactive, and she is not capable of accepting responsibility for her behavior. It is important to note that the cells in this area of the brain NEVER mature, so BB is absolutely prone to tantrums!
BB experiences her version of the present only through the lens of past memories. She takes in the emotional experience of now and immediately compares it to emotional experiences she’s had in the past. She holds on to this past pain for my future protection and is vigilant in determining the current level of my safety based on those emotional memories. She is the source of the fight, flight, or freeze response, and she sounds the alarm whenever she deems it necessary. Sometimes it’s a lot!
BB is the source of my deepest, most profound emotions. Her emotional range is wide and varied and includes the entire spectrum of “positive” and “negative”; however, these emotions are relative to past and future experiences. BB is absolutely wired to feel happiness, but it is solely based on external factors. She LOVES a peanut butter cookie (or ALL the peanut butter cookies), Beatles’ music, and being covered with a warm blanket. She HATES not having access to a bathroom at all times, nails on a chalkboard, and clowns.
Safety is her number one priority. She is so externally focused because potential threats are more likely to come from what is interpreted as "the outside world." BB is programmed to protect me from anything that she perceived hurt me in the past. Her favorite word is “NO!” and she is ready to immediately resist and push things away at the first whiff of “danger”. She rages, wails, screams, and blames injustices on others. She is highly critical, selfish, and manipulative. She is fearful, cautious, and unforgiving (especially when someone has been judged to be “bad”). When BB used to take the lead (and was allowed to stay there), emotional eating and binging were the status quo for me. Now, when she shows up, she certainly still tantrums, but I can see her shenanigans for what they REALLY are: a helpful alarm.
When she’s ranting and raving, I know I need to slow down, breathe, and observe her with loving detachment rather than getting involved in her drama. I can call upon my other three characters to support her as she wails, and we can give her the space and time she needs to settle back down. Sometimes she's here for a while before those other characters show up, though!
My Character Two is the part of me that needs maternal, unconditional love, and a whole lot of grace and patience. She is my reminder to to get out of the stress of my thoughts and come back home to the moment-by-moment experiencing of life that I truly am. I am so grateful for her, but I certainly prefer it when she’s quiet.
Join me here next week for my exploration of Character Three...